“It was only a wooden mug and the brigands in Cilicia didn’t even bother to take it away from me,” I said. “When we were given no water for several days and my tongue filled my mouth and our breath smelled like the breath of wild animals, sometimes I pretended to drink out of the goblet, imagining that it was full. But it wasn’t. It was only delirium.”
I was careful not to tell my father about Paul and Cephas, because I wanted to forget them as completely as if I had never met them. But my father said, “I wish I were a slave, poor and insignificant, so that I could begin my life all over again. But it is too late for me. The chains have already grown into my flesh.”
I was not attracted by this philosophical dream of a simple life. Seneca had eloquently described the blessings of poverty and peace of mind, but in reality he preferred to be bewitched by power, honors and wealth, explaining that they could not alter a wise man, just as poverty and exile had not been able to.
We ended by talking about financial matters. After consulting Tullia, who also had plans for my life, my father decided to transfer a million sesterces over to me at first, so that I could live as I should, giving banquets and making useful connections. He promised me more when I needed it, for he himself could not possibly spend all his money, however much he tried.
“Your father lacks an interest which would satisfy him at his age and fill his life,” complained Tullia. “He doesn’t even bother to go to lectures anymore, although I had a special auditorium built in the house, for I thought you would perhaps continue in a literary career. He could collect old musical instruments or Greek paintings and become famous for it. Some people breed special fish in their pools, others train gladiators, and he could even afford to keep racehorses. That’s the most expensive and the finest leisure occupation a middle-aged man can have. But no, he’s so stubborn. Either he frees a slave, or hands out gifts to useless people. Well, I suppose he could have worse amusements. With concessions on both sides, we’ve managed to find a way of life which satisfies us.”
They wanted me to stay for the evening meal, but I thought I ought to report to the Palace as soon as possible, before the news of my arrival reached there by other means. The guards did in fact let me in without searching me for weapons. The times had changed that much. But I was amazed to see how many knights were sitting in the arcades, waiting for an audience. I reported to several court officials, but Seneca was so weighed down with his enormous burden of work that he could not possibly receive me, and Emperor Nero himself had shut himself in his workroom to write poems. One was not allowed to disturb him when he was consulting the muses.
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I was depressed when I realized how many people were striving in so many ways for the favors of the young Emperor. Just as I was about to leave, one of Pallas’ innumerable secretaries came up to me and showed me to Agrippina’s room. She was striding restlessly up and down, bumping into stools and kicking the valuable Oriental rugs to one side.
“Why didn’t you report straightaway to me,” she said angrily, “or have you too lost all respect for me? Ingratitude is one’s reward. I don’t think any mother has sacrificed so much for her own son and his friends.”
“Augusta, Mother of the Fatherland,” I cried, although I knew she had no right to these titles of honor. Officially she was only priestess to the god Claudius. “How can you reproach me for ingratitude? I dared not even dream of disturbing you in your widow’s grief with my insignificant affairs.”
Agrippina seized my hand, pressed my arm in her full bosom and breathed the scent of violets into my face.
“It’s good that you’ve come back, Minutus Lausus,” she said. “You’re a lighthearted man, despite your past mistakes, and that was sheer inexperience. At this moment, Nero needs his real friends most of all. The boy is indecisive and much too easily led. Perhaps I have been too strict with him. He seems to be beginning to avoid me deliberately, although at first he sat beside me in the same sedan or politely followed behind it. Perhaps you know the Senate has given me the right to ride all the way up to the Capitoline if I want to. Nero wastes insane sums of money on friends who are unworthy of him, cittern players, actors, racing men and various authors of works of homage, just as if he had no idea of the value of money. Pallas is very worried. Thanks to him, there was at least some order in the State finances during poor Claudius’ time when the Imperial treasury was kept strictly apart from the State treasury. Nero doesn’t understand the difference. And now Nero has become infatuated with a slave-girl. Can you imagine? He prefers meeting a white-skinned slip of a girl to his own mother. That’s no way for an Emperor to behave. And appalling friends egg him on to all kinds of immoral acts.”
Agrippina, strong-willed and beautiful, who usually behaved with the dignity of a goddess, was so upset that she was airing her grievances to me in a way which put too great a reliance on my friendship.
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