copper nail in you to see you jump and scream; and I do not understand how you have acquired this peace of yours, but no doubt in your heart you are a good man, though how it profits a man to be good, I do not know, for only stupid people are good, being incapable of anything else, as I have myself observed. Be that as it may, your presence calms me strangely, and I’d like to tell you this Aten, whom I unleashed in my foolishness, now makes me very uneasy for it was never my intention that the matter should be carried this far since I only invented Aten in order to depose Amun, so that my power and that of my son should be increased, and to be precise it was Ay who came up with him, my partner as you know, unless you are too simple to know even this, but let it be known that he is my partner although it has not been appropriate for us to break the jar together. This miserable Ay, then, who has no more virility left in him than a cow’s teat, brought Aten from Iunu with him and fed him to the boy. I have no notion what my son fancies in Aten but even as a child he was given to daydreams, and I can only suppose now that he is mad and that his skull should be opened, and I can’t understand what ails him so that his wife, that pretty daughter of Ay, bears him girl after girl, though all my dear sorcerers have done their best to help her. And I can’t understand why people hate my sorcerers for they are such dear men, black though they are and wear pins of ivory through their noses and stretch their lips and lengthen their children’s skulls. Yet I know people detest them so that I must keep them hidden in the recesses of the golden house for otherwise people would kill them, but I cannot do without them, for no one can tickle the soles of my feet as they do or prepare me potions that enable me as woman to enjoy life still and take pleasure, but if you think I have pleasure in Ay any longer you are greatly mistaken, nor do I rightly understand why I cling to him so, when it would be better to let him fall. Better for myself, that is. But perhaps I cannot let him fall any more, even if I wanted to, and this worries me too. My dear blacks are now my only joy.”
The great Queen Mother giggled to herself like the old washerwomen in the harbour giggle together over their beer when they are having good time, and giggling she went on:
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“These blacks of mine are doctors of great skill, Sinuhe, although through ignorance the people call them magicians; and even you might learn something from them if you got over with your prejudices towards their colour and smell and if they agreed to teach you their skills which I don’t think would happen for they guard those jealously. Their colour is warm and black and their smell is not repulsive once you get used to it but so joyful and exciting that after one gets used to it, one cannot live without it. Since you are a physician and will not betray me, I will tell you that I take pleasure with them now and again, for they prescribe this for my health, and an old woman like me should have some little distraction. I do not do it in order to experience something new, as do the women of the court who in their depravity enjoy the black men in the manner of a person who has tasted all things and is jaded with all tastes and affirms that suitably rotten flesh is the most savoury. It is not thus I love my blacks, for my blood is young and red and needs no artificial stimulant, and the blacks are a secret that brings me nearer to the warm sources of life, nearer to the soil, the sun and the animals. I wish, however, you would not share this confession with anyone, but even if you did, it brings me no harm since I can always say you lie. On the other hand, people believe anything that is said of me and even more, so that there is nothing left that could harm my reputation in the eyes of the people, and therefore it is indifferent what you tell to people, but I still prefer you didn’t say anything since you are a good person, which I certainly am not.”
She became considerably grimmer and ceased drinking beer but resumed the braiding of the bright rushes, and I stared at her dark fingers while she was braiding the rushes for I did not dare to meet her eyes. As I remained silent and did not promise anything, she went on:
“Nothing is won by goodness, but the only thing in the world that signifies anything is power. But those who are born with it do not perceive its worth, and only those who like myself were born with dung between the toes understand its true worth. Indeed, Sinuhe, I can understand the value of power and have done everything for the sake of power and to preserve it for my son and for my son’s son, so that my blood might endure on the golden throne of Pharaohs, and I have shrunk at nothing to achieve this. In the sight of the gods, my deeds may be evil, but truth to tell I do not concern myself unduly about the gods
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