shouting of the servants, only the murmur of my clock as it measured out immeasurable time. At such moments, the murmur of the water clock seemed sinister to me, as if an allotted span of time were drawing to its close, though I tried to reproach my heart as foolish and to assure myself that time would never draw to its close nor water never run out in a water clock — until a carriage again drove along the street past my house, with painted plumes waving above the horses’ heads, and the cheerful clatter of the wheels would mingle with the shouts of servants plucking fowls in the kitchen court. Then I calmed down again and believed I had only seen a bad dream.

Nevertheless, during my cold moments I had the feeling as if the city of Akhetaten was nothing but a beautiful shell whose interior was already eaten by worm. The worm of time sucked the core from its joyful life, and the joy faded, and laugher died in Akhetaten. I began to yearn in my heart to return to Thebes — and I had no need to seek out pretexts to travel to Thebes but my heart abundantly supplied me with various reasons whose importance could not be denied by Pharaoh Akhetaten. So it was with many, who in their hearts believed that they loved Pharaoh Akhenaten, and many of them left Akhetaten, some to see their estates, others to marry off their kinfolk, some to Memphis, others to Thebes. Many returned to Akhetaten from their travels, but there were those who did not and no longer feared losing Pharaoh’s favour but relied more on the secret power of Amun. I travelled to Thebes for the sake of my wealth and saw that Kaptah sent me a number of papers testifying before Pharaoh that my presence in Thebes was necessary, so that Pharaoh did not prevent me from going.

4

But once I had stepped aboard a ship, sailing up the river, my soul seemed as if liberated from a spell, and it was spring again — the flood had fallen, and the swallows were passionately darting above the swift, mud- yellow waters. The fertile mud had spread over the fields, and fruit trees were in blossom, and I hastened, filled with the sweet frenzy of spring, like a bridegroom hastening to his sister. So much is man the slave of his heart that he will shut his eyes to what does not please him

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and believe all that he hopes. Freed from the spell and the prowling fear of Akhetaten, my heart was jubilant as a bird released from its cage; for it is hard to be bound by the will of another, as everyone in Akhetaten was bound by the fervent and oppressive will of Pharaoh and his erratic mood swings. To me he was but a man since I was his physician, and this slavery was worse for me than for those to whom he was a god and who could thus carry their heart’s slavery easier.

I rejoiced at seeing with my own eyes once more, at hearing with my own ears, at speaking with my own tongue and at living according to my own will. Such freedom is in no way harmful to a man, but rather it made me humble, and it melted the bitterness from my heart so that I saw Pharaoh the way he was. The greater my distance from Pharaoh Akhenaten, the more clearly did I see him; and the farther I went from him, the more I loved him and wished him well. The nearer I came to Thebes, the more vividly rushed all the memories into my heart and the greater were Pharaoh Akhenaten and his god in my heart, conquering the shadows of other gods and the shadow of Amun within me.

I remembered again the fear with which Amun used to chain people’s hearts, suffocating the thirst for knowledge and preventing anyone from asking why. I remembered the perished god of Crete who floated in rotten water and whose victims were taught to dance before the bulls so that they would bring amusement to the bull of the sea. Thinking all of this, I was seized by hate towards the old gods, and, next to everything old, the light and brightness of Aten was dazzling in my mind; for Aten released the man from fear, and Aten was something within me and outside of me and outside my knowledge — and Aten was a living god the way nature is alive and breathes within me and outside of me, and how the brilliant rays of the sun warm the soil, and the soil becomes blossomed. But Aten was bright in my heart only far away from Pharaoh Akhenaten since living near him I saw him as a man as I was his physician, and life near him was intolerable to anyone who wanted to keep his heart free, for Pharaoh Akhenaten wanted to force his Aten to everyone; and force made Aten repulsive to people and alienated them from Aten so that they worshipped Aten out of fear, and then Aten was no better to them than Amun.

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