Book 13: Aten’s Kingdom on Earth
1
Upon my return to Akhetaten, I found Pharaoh ill and in need of my help. His face was narrower, his cheekbones protruded from his face, and his neck seemed even longer than before so that during festivities it was incapable of supporting the weight of the double crowns and his head tilted backward under the weight. His thighs had swollen, even though his legs below the knees were mere sticks, and his eyes were puffy and ringed with purple shadows from constant headaches. He did not look directly in the eye of anyone any more, but his gaze wandered into other realms, and he often forgot the people with whom he spoke for the sake of his god. The headaches were made worse by his custom of walking without a royal headpiece or parasol in the midday sun in order to receive rays of benediction upon his head. But the rays of Aten shed no blessing on him, but they poisoned him so that he raved and saw evil visions. Perhaps his god was like himself: for also he shared his goodness and love too generously, too quickly, and too abundantly and violently, so that the consequences from his goodness were evil, and his love spread destruction around him.
During his lucid moments, when I applied cool cloths to his head and administered mild sedatives to soothe the pain, his grim and bitter eyes would rest upon me as if unspeakable disillusion had sneaked into his mind, and his gaze hurt my heart so that I loved him again in his weakness and would have sacrificed much to spare him from his disillusion. He spoke to me and said:
“Sinuhe, can it be that my visions are lies and only because of my sick head? If so, then life is more hideous than I can imagine, and the world is ruled not by goodness but by a boundless evil. But this cannot be so, and my visions must be true. Do you hear, Sinuhe, you hard-headed man, my visions must be true, although his sun no longer illuminates my heart, and my friends spit upon my bed. I am not blind and see into the hearts of men. I see into your heart also, Sinuhe, into your soft and weak heart, and I know that you believe me mad, yet I forgive you because of the light that once shone into that heart.”
569
When pain assailed him, he moaned and wailed and said, “Sinuhe, men take pity on a sick animal and dispatch it with a club, and a spear brings release to a wounded lion, but to a man no one will show mercy. My disillusion is more bitter to me than earthly death, and I am not afraid of death because his light shines in my heart — and my body may die, but my spirit will live on from eternity to eternity and within him it will shine across the whole world. Of the sun am I born, Sinuhe, and to the sun I will return, and I already long for that return because of the bitterness of all my desolation.”
These were his words when he was ill, and I don’t know if he was aware of everything he said. With the coming of autumn, he began to recover, although it might have been better if I had let him die. But a physician may not allow his patient to die if his arts can avail to cure him, and this proves often the doctor’s curse — but a doctor cannot help it, and he needs to cure the good and the bad, the pious and the wrongdoers, without separating them from one another. As autumn arrived, he started recovering, and as he recovered, he turned inwards and would converse no further with me or with others, but his eyes became hard and he was mostly alone.
He had spoken no more than the truth when he said that his friends spat on his bed, for having borne him five daughters, Queen Nefertiti wearied of him and came to loathe him, and she didn’t care what she did any more but sought by every means to hurt him. When for the sixth time the seed of barley quickened within Nefertiti, the child in her womb was Pharaoh’s in name only since she had let strangers’ seed pour into her womb — and having once lost her restraint, she lost all restraint and took pleasure with anyone who happened to please her, and she had even rejoiced with my friend Thutmose. She didn’t need to spend time looking for bed-fellows, for her beauty was regal still although her spring had already flowered, and there was something in her eyes and in her mocking smile that forced men to her like it was sorcery so that they could not control themselves. For the sake of her bitterness and hatred, she deliberately and purposefully conducted her intrigues amongst Pharaoh’s faithful and alienated them from Akhenaten by rejoicing with them so that the circle of protecting love about Pharaoh Akhenaten thinned and became remote.
570
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384