received no patients there any more, save for an ill neighbour now and again and the very poor because they had no presents to give other physicians. I had another pool dug in the courtyard and filled it with coloured fish, sitting all day beside it under my sycamore, while donkeys brayed in the street before my house and children played in the dust, and so I gazed at the fish that swam lazily about in the cool water. The sycamore, sooty from the fire, put forth green leaves again, and Muti tended me well by preparing good food for me and letting me drink wine in moderation when I so desired and she saw to it that I slept enough and did not overtax my strength.
But food had lost its savour, and wine gave me no joy, so that when the evenings started to become cooler, the wine brought before me all my evil deeds, and the wine brought before me Pharaoh Akhenaten’s dying face and the young face of prince Zannanza in the chill of the evening. The desire to heal men had left me, for my hands, which I had hoped might be good hands, were accursed and only sowed death. So I only watched the fish in my pool, and I envied the fish whose blood was cold and whose delights were cool, living out their lives without having to breathe the hot air of the earth.
As I sat there in my garden, I spoke with my heart and said, “Be still, foolish heart, for the fault is not yours, but all is madness that goes on in the world, and good and evil have no meaning, but greed, hatred and desire rule the world. The fault is not yours, Sinuhe, for man remains man and will never change. Years go by and people are born and people die, and their life is but a hot breath, and there is no happiness in their lives but there is happiness only in their death. There is no greater vanity than the life of man, and the fault is not yours, but man remains man from eternity to eternity. You may sink the man in the river of time for nothing, since his heart won’t change, and he rises from the river the same as he went there. In vain, you may try him with war and misery, with pestilence and burning, with gods and spears, since by such trials he is only hardened until he is worse than the crocodiles, and the only good man is a dead man.”
But my heart gainsaid me, saying, “You may sit there and watch the fish, Sinuhe, but I will give you no peace as long as you live, and I will tell you every day of your life that the fault is yours indeed; and every night of your life I will pound in your dreams that you, Sinuhe, are at fault, since I, your heart, am more insatiable than a crocodile and want your cup full.”
735
I was enraged at my heart and said to it, “You are a silly heart, and I am greatly weary of you, since you have brought me nothing but harm and trouble, sorrow and hardship all the days of my life. You know well how my reason is a murderer, and that my reason has black hands, but my murders are small in comparison with all the murders taking place in the world, and no one accuses me for them. So I cannot understand why you keep talking to me about my guilt and don’t leave me in peace, since who am I to make the world better and who am I to change human nature?”
But my heart said, “I do not talk about your murders, and I do not accuse you of them though day and night I keep pounding the word: guilty, guilty. Thousands and again thousands have died because of you, Sinuhe. They have died from famine and pestilence, from arms and injuries, they have died beneath the wheels of chariots and perished on desert marches. Because of you, children have died in their mothers’ wombs; because of you, bent backs have come under the lash; because of you, injustice tramples upon justice; because of you, greed triumphs over good; because of you, robbers rule the world. Truly, countless numbers have died because of you, Sinuhe. The colour of their skin may be different, and their language may use different words, but they died innocent, Sinuhe, because they didn’t have your knowledge — and all who have died and all who are yet to die are your brothers, and they die because of you, and only you are guilty. For this reason, you hear their cries in your dreams, Sinuhe, and their cries take away the taste from your food, Sinuhe, and their cries deprave all your happiness.”
But I hardened my spirit and said to my heart, “The fishes are my brothers because they cannot utter vain speech. The wolves of the desert are my brothers and the mauling lions are my brothers, but man is not my brother because he knows what he does.”
My heart mocked me, saying, “Does man really know what he does? You know, and you have learning, therefore I shall let you suffer until the day of your death for the sake of your knowledge, but the others do not know. So you alone are guilty, Sinuhe.”
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