There was no point arguing with him about this matter. I bade farewell to him, and I also bade farewell to Merit and little Thoth, for in my sorrow I could not take them with me on this journey like I had hoped since Pharaoh had commanded me to return with all possible speed and such a journey would bring no joy to them. But I said to Merit, “Come after me, you and little Thoth, and dwell with me in my house at Akhetaten, and we will all be happy together.”
Merit said, “Take a flower from its place in the desert, plant it in rich soil, and water it every day, and it will wither and die. So would it be with me in Akhetaten, and your friendship for me would wither and die — likewise were you to compare me with the women of the court. They would take care to stress every point in which I differ from them for I know women, and men also, I believe. It would ill become your rank to keep a tavern-bred woman in your house whose loins drunk men have fumbled year after year.”
I said to her, Merit, my darling, I will come to you as soon as I may, for I hunger and thirst every hour that I am absent from you. Many have left Akhetaten never to return. Perhaps I shall also come back to you, never to return to Akhetaten.”
But Merit said, “You say more than your heart can answer for, Sinuhe. I know you and that it is not in your nature to forsake Pharaoh when others forsake him. In the good days, you might have done it, but in the bad days, you cannot possibly forsake him. Such is your heart, Sinuhe, and perhaps it is for this reason that I am your friend.”
Her words set my heart in turmoil, and when I reflected that I might lose her there was a prickling in my throat as of chaff. Therefore I said to her passionately, “Merit, there are many countries in the world, and Egypt is not the only country in the world. I am weary of battles between gods and of Pharaohs’ madness. Let us fly to some place far away and live together, you and I and little Thoth, without fear of tomorrow.”
567
But Merit smiled, and the sorrow in her eyes grew black as she said, “Your talk is vain, and you know yourself that it is not true, yet your lie pleases me because it shows that you love me. But I do not believe that you could live happily anywhere save in Egypt, since you once returned here, nor either I anywhere save in Thebes. You know — ‘who once has drunk the water of the Nile…’ No, Sinuhe, no man can escape his own heart, and you need your cup full. In the course of time, when I will have grown old, ugly and fat, you would sicken of me and hate me because of everything you had not been able to live through on my account. That I do not want and would rather give you up.”
“You are my home and my country, Merit,” I said to her. “You are the bread in my hand and the wine in my mouth, and you know it well. You are the one person in the world in whose company I am not lonely, and for that I love you.”
“Yes, indeed” said Merit a little bitterly. “I am but the cushion to soften your loneliness — when I am not your worn mat. But that is how it must be, and I desire nothing else. Therefore, I do not tell you the secret that eats at my heart and which perhaps you should know. I will keep it to myself although in my weakness I had meant to tell you. It is for your sake I conceal it, Sinuhe, for your sake only.”
She would not confide her secret to me, for she was prouder than I and perhaps lonelier, although at that time I did not understand and thought only of myself in the end. It is my belief that all men do so when they love, though this is no excuse for me. Men who believe they think of anything but themselves when they love are deluded, just as many other things in this world are nothing but fantasies.
Once more, then, I departed from Thebes and went back to Akhetaten, and of that which followed there is nothing but evil to relate. I spent so much time telling about my stay in Thebes, though not much of it was worth telling, since I told it for my own sake.
568
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384